And now begins picking myself up again.
I have figured some things out over the last handful of months. Some truly painful realizations. Some things that sat themselves right in front of me, screaming at me, begging me to just pay attention. For once. But I chose to turn a blind eye and pretend that things would eventually work themselves out. I would be fine, if only… If only I didn’t feel so alone.
I have not made the wisest choice when it came to love. I wish I could say I regret them. You have no idea how I wish I could say that. But I don’t. For all of the pain, the anger, the despair, there are almost as many amazing things. If I could only hold on to those. But I feel them slipping through my fingers like sand. Those memories almost feel as thought they aren’t mine to covet. They must belong to some one else. Because surely feelings like that would not fade. They would not leave me just as quickly as they came. They would not leave me battered and ashamed of the things I have done, the choices I have made, and worse disgusted by the person I shared them with. And there in lies the regret. I wasted so much on some one not worthy of what I am, what I have to offer, of how amazing I can be. And now when I look at this person, it just makes me ill. And so deeply saddened by what I can only guess is the truth of who they are. The truth that must have sat in front of me screaming at me, warning me of just how exactly things were going to turn out.
And yet there is a part of me that truly feels sorry for him. It must be awful to be that diluted. To be so far beyond ones own self, that you only have a vague idea of what you are really about. He didn’t just fool me. He is fooling himself. And I think I have come to the conclusion that the revolving door of people in his life is because once people see him for who he is, he must get rid of them.
But now I get to have the good, right? That thought keeps me going every day. I know my patience will pay off and the amazing life I hang my hopes on is just around the corner. It is just waiting for me to catch up to it.
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